Holy Fuck! I feel like film studios are reading our pleas and actually making less and less sucky films! Seriously...I'm happy to report that there are only three films that I hated this year!
If you've been a reader of ours since the beginning...then, you'll understand when I tell you that I really dislike writing these "Worst of" lists. I mean...they're great therapy and my psychiatrist totally loves when I vent my frustrations over meaningless works of celluloid. However, as a lover of horror cinema, to see less and less sucky films come out every year brings me such joy in knowing that the quality is finally winning the battle over greedy movie studio executives. Now, trust me...the war is far from over. As a matter of fact, a sequel to the number 2 film on our "Worst of" list has already been greenlit and it will only be a matter of time before that one gets released, stinks up the theaters and ends up on our "Worst of" list down the road. But, still...it's a small victory, nonetheless.
Or maybe I just stayed away from really terrible films. I'm sure I could go to any RedBox and blind-rent a really bad horror movie. Regardless, the films on these lists are usually comprised from stuff we were eager to see. Whether it be through word of mouth or from a genuine interest derived from either a cool-looking trailer or from loving the previous films from the franchise, I really wanted to see these films. Unlike the bad horror films that populate the RedBox menus these days. It's pretty much a crapshoot picking out a good film from the horror section...so, I tend to stay away from those. I realize that I should be watching all that stuff in which to weed out all the gems that may or may not lurk inside of a RedBox...but, life's way too short to sit around and watch shit that you just know is gonna fucking suck. So, the following content is comprised of stuff that seriously kicked me in the gut, robbed my hard-earned money and hurt my feelings while I was laying in my own pool of vomit. These films truly sucked and should be left to die in the Phantom Zone.
But, before we reveal our Top 3 Worst Films of 2013...let us first take a journey into the rest of The Worst of 2013.
Or maybe I just stayed away from really terrible films. I'm sure I could go to any RedBox and blind-rent a really bad horror movie. Regardless, the films on these lists are usually comprised from stuff we were eager to see. Whether it be through word of mouth or from a genuine interest derived from either a cool-looking trailer or from loving the previous films from the franchise, I really wanted to see these films. Unlike the bad horror films that populate the RedBox menus these days. It's pretty much a crapshoot picking out a good film from the horror section...so, I tend to stay away from those. I realize that I should be watching all that stuff in which to weed out all the gems that may or may not lurk inside of a RedBox...but, life's way too short to sit around and watch shit that you just know is gonna fucking suck. So, the following content is comprised of stuff that seriously kicked me in the gut, robbed my hard-earned money and hurt my feelings while I was laying in my own pool of vomit. These films truly sucked and should be left to die in the Phantom Zone.
But, before we reveal our Top 3 Worst Films of 2013...let us first take a journey into the rest of The Worst of 2013.
ABC's of Death, "F is for Fart"
A truly stupid concept shot in a stylized manner with hot Asian actresses. "F is for Fart" is seriously the dumbest thing that I watched all year. While there were other terrible segments in the ABC's of Death, this one was the worst by far. I couldn't even appreciate it in an ironic way. I'd write more...but, I forgot...I have an bikini-waxing appointment.
The Haunting in Connecticut 2: Ghosts of Georgia
In 2013 there was one film that took the art of stupid film titles to a new level. Well...there was The Last Exorcism 2...but, there was another film that went even further with its blatant disregard for film titles that made sense. The Haunting in Connecticut 2: Ghosts of Georgia does not give a fuck about what anyone thinks of it. It's as if the film is mocking you with its title and daring you to make fun of it. Why the creators didn't just call it "The Haunting in Georgia"...or even "The Haunting That Isn't in Connecticut Anymore"...is well beyond my comprehension for all things dumb. Jesus...are studio executives seriously that greedy...that they wanted to tie this sequel to another mediocre horror film that didn't necessarily break any box office records? What's next? The Haunting in Connecticut 3: Ghosts of Australia??
Watching the Carrie remake
Sometimes a remake comes along that garners no interest whatsoever. You know that it serves as a means of sucking cash into the pockets of studio executives that could care less about your cinematic enjoyment. Then, there are times when you see a trailer to said remake and you think to yourself..."hmm...this could really work!" This version of Carrie really had all the makings of a potentially great film. Super talented director, super talented actresses and a decent budget. However, it ended up being a waste of everyone's time involved. It's not so much that the film was terrible in any way...it was just lifeless and pointless.
Sean Power
I honestly couldn't tell if I was watching an actor's interpretation of what he thought Peter Vincent to be...or if I was watching sloths fucking. Sean Power sucks at acting. There's no pretty way to convey that. Tho, I may be a little biased in my assessment of Power's ability to portray a role perfected by the late Roddy McDowell because I tend to enjoy great performances by great actors...there's no denying how much suck this guy brings to the iconic role of Peter Vincent - Vampire Killer. Sean Power should go somewhere and wash cars or sell vacuum cleaners or something that doesn't require stepping in front of a movie camera. Then, again...I'll take 10 Sean Powers over 1 Cam Gigandet any day of the week! Sorry...I had to sneak that guy's name into a Worst of list somehow LOLz!
Alexandra Daddario
This is the second year in a row that I crown a hottie as the Worst Actress. I love Alexandra Daddario. So much so that my therapist tells me that I can start watching her films again unsupervised. Because that's how deep my love for her goes, ladies and Deviants...my will to put aside my sick thoughts of the actress in which to view her for her talents...and not her God-given flesh balloons. But, Jesus...watching her in Texas Chainsaw 3D is pretty cringe-worthy...like, for serious. She's a beautiful actress, tho...and I'm sure she'll captivate viewers for years to come with her...ummm...eyes. But, not here...not on my watch. Because as beautiful as she may be...there's no escaping how much she sucked in Texas Chainsaw 3D. And not the good kind of suck, either. "Do your thing, cuz!" No.
And now...the WORST HORROR FILMS OF 2013 (click the titles for the full reviews)...
I was really intrigued with the concept of Storage 24. It appealed to my love of those reality shows where seemingly "normal" people bid on storage units in which to find the next hidden treasure, as well as my love for cool horror science fiction. So, to turn that particular "Storage Wars" premise into a sci-fi/horror film...really seemed like a no-brainer. Unfortunately, Storage 24 isn't the film that I was hoping for. While the film had a seemingly endless source of potential for scary stuff that might occur, the filmmakers opted instead for a lazier route. Just drop a military-created creature from the outside into a storage facility and have it trapped with a bunch of talentless actors. I know I'm being a tad harsh with this one...but, it really does suck. I tried to enjoy it...but, because the film sucked away my On Demand cash...I ended up hating it. All the bad performances...all the terrible plot decisions and all the poor creature effects certainly helped to make Storage 24 one of the WORST OF 2013.
While I do admit that the above photo is perhaps one of the best images in any horror film ever, I literally had Texas Chainsaw 3D as my number one WORST OF 2013 for most of the year. Until, of course, I watched the number one film. God...Texas Chainsaw 3D is a perfect example of what not to do when trying to continue a beloved franchise. It has some truly terrible acting, absolutely piss poor writing and a script written by an individual who couldn't give a flying fuck about continuity and good decisions. Have you ever seen a flying fuck?? They're really not all that hard to give. Not to mention absolutely soiling one of the genre's most iconic antagonists. Leatherface is a killer. Plain and simple. He doesn't give a fuck about stuff like compassion and loyalty. He's a cold-blooded serial killer who wears people's skin for masks. Now, while I did like this version of Leatherface...I absolutely detested the way that they turned him into a likeable sitcom character in the third act. Completely stupid! While I understand that there are other evils in the universe like bad cops and bad people in general, Leatherface should be the THE MAIN evil in a film with the words "Texas Chainsaw" in the title. A piss poor attempt at an intriguing premise that might've worked had the filmmakers actually cared. Instead...the second worst film of 2013.
So, I rented Fright Night 2: New Blood with the intention of surrendering myself to it completely and becoming the lone voice in the horror critic world of championing the film in a sea of hatred. Or maybe just coming away from the film indifferent enough to score it some kind of middling grade. However, after witnessing the events of Fright Night 2: New Blood I came away a broken man. Not since Uwe Boll's House of the Dead has a film stirred me so much in which to fully unleash pure hatred for an hour and a half of horror celluloid. Even my therapist was impressed with the level of hate I displayed. The film sucks beyond any measure of suck. So much so that there was only one fair score in which to grade the film. A zero. A first for Film Deviant. Gone is any of the heart and soul that built the framework for the original Fright Night. Gone, too...is any of the passion for horror that fueled the desire to create the first 3 films in the first place. And absolutely absent from the entire film is any kind of intention to make a semi-decent horror film. It's as if the creators of Fright Night 2: New Blood set out to purposely make a terrible film. To watch this film is not unlike enduring 99 minutes of self-inflicted torture. Believe me, I tried my absolute best to glean some shred of enjoyment out of this film...but, nothing. Fright Night 2: New Blood is nowhere near any kind of new blood. In fact, it is the WORST FUCKING FILM OF 2013.
So, there you have it, Deviants...the absolute worst of the worst for 2013! Still trips me out that there were only three films on this list. Hell, if this trend keeps up maybe next year will be comprised of only one film! Probably not. In any case, you can bet your goddamn nickels that we'll be back in 2014 overseeing the good and the bad in horror films!
So, there you have it, Deviants...the absolute worst of the worst for 2013! Still trips me out that there were only three films on this list. Hell, if this trend keeps up maybe next year will be comprised of only one film! Probably not. In any case, you can bet your goddamn nickels that we'll be back in 2014 overseeing the good and the bad in horror films!
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING!
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