Gather 'round, kids...it's that time of the year again.
Usually, this space is reserved for disclaimers on how we do appreciate the efforts of all filmmakers everywhere...whether they create a masterpiece of celluloid...or a huge pile of stinky poo. However, we're all tired around here. We've all been either finishing up a tough semester of school or welcoming a newborn or partying until ungodly hours of the morning (bryan..we're looking at you). So...we, here at Film Deviant, just wanna lounge out and watch marathons of Hardcore Pawn and Shipping Wars all day instead of writing about the shit that was passed off as films this past year.
So, without further ado...
Normally, an emotionless tall man dressed in black with tentacles for arms who enjoys stealing little children...would scare the Holy Spirit out of me. However, when that particular image is waved in your face every day, it becomes a little annoying. 2012 was full of countless Slenderman memes and Youtube reaction videos wherever you looked. It's one of those genre trends that doesn't go anywhere. When I first heard about Slendy a couple years back, I honestly thought it was a new horror film coming out....which, if it were the case, would've been kinda cool. However, all it turned out to be was just a bunch of creepy (at best) Youtube videos and pointless PC games. Just stop already!
There's a scene in the latest major motion picture by Ridley Scott where a bunch of intelligent scientists, hand-selected by Weyland Industries, get lost in a maze-like environment only to come face to face with a serpent-like alien being. What do they do? They fucking poke the goddamn thing with a fucking stick. Are you fucking serious, Ridley Scott? Prometheus is pretty plentiful of poor writing decisions...but, this one's just plain stupid and lazy. Cut it out!
There are some films that come out that should've been called something else. [REC]³ Génesis is, most definitely, one of these films. It stands as the worst film in the [REC] series...because, it just doesn't fit. However, that's not to say that it is a bad film by any stretch of the imagination. It's actually a pretty good film. And it might've made our Best of 2012 list had it been left out of the franchise altogether and been called something like Demon Wedding or Bride of the Dead or whatever. But, as a sequel...it is the WORST OF 2012. Just knock it off!
Todd Lincoln needs to go back to wherever he came from and seriously think about another career path. Now, I understand that creating great cinema is no small task. But, to be the man responsible for writing and directing the decently budgeted PG-13 poo poo fest known as The Apparition is completely deplorable. It is unfortunate that this was Lincoln's first effort in helming a big studio picture. I guess time will tell if the studios will let him back behind the camera. For now, tho...he is the WORST DIRECTOR OF 2012. For God's sake...stop!
Normally, an emotionless tall man dressed in black with tentacles for arms who enjoys stealing little children...would scare the Holy Spirit out of me. However, when that particular image is waved in your face every day, it becomes a little annoying. 2012 was full of countless Slenderman memes and Youtube reaction videos wherever you looked. It's one of those genre trends that doesn't go anywhere. When I first heard about Slendy a couple years back, I honestly thought it was a new horror film coming out....which, if it were the case, would've been kinda cool. However, all it turned out to be was just a bunch of creepy (at best) Youtube videos and pointless PC games. Just stop already!
There's a scene in the latest major motion picture by Ridley Scott where a bunch of intelligent scientists, hand-selected by Weyland Industries, get lost in a maze-like environment only to come face to face with a serpent-like alien being. What do they do? They fucking poke the goddamn thing with a fucking stick. Are you fucking serious, Ridley Scott? Prometheus is pretty plentiful of poor writing decisions...but, this one's just plain stupid and lazy. Cut it out!
There are some films that come out that should've been called something else. [REC]³ Génesis is, most definitely, one of these films. It stands as the worst film in the [REC] series...because, it just doesn't fit. However, that's not to say that it is a bad film by any stretch of the imagination. It's actually a pretty good film. And it might've made our Best of 2012 list had it been left out of the franchise altogether and been called something like Demon Wedding or Bride of the Dead or whatever. But, as a sequel...it is the WORST OF 2012. Just knock it off!
Todd Lincoln needs to go back to wherever he came from and seriously think about another career path. Now, I understand that creating great cinema is no small task. But, to be the man responsible for writing and directing the decently budgeted PG-13 poo poo fest known as The Apparition is completely deplorable. It is unfortunate that this was Lincoln's first effort in helming a big studio picture. I guess time will tell if the studios will let him back behind the camera. For now, tho...he is the WORST DIRECTOR OF 2012. For God's sake...stop!
Now, don't get us wrong...we usually love Ashley Greene around these parts...when she's not starring in suckage like The Apparition. She's really nice to look at. Especially in her panties. So, we felt a little mean-spirited giving her the title of WORST ACTRESS OF 2012. We wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt by watching something else she was in this past year. However, the only other major theatrical release she was a part of was the Twilight film...and, well, fuck Twilight. So, it is with a heavy heart that we bestow WORST ACTRESS OF 2012 to Ashley Michele Greene for her part in the insipid film...The Apparition.
Speaking of The Apparition, Sebastian Stan was in that film, as well. And he pretty much sucked in it, too. Especially when you had someone like Tom Felton acting his ass off in the same film. It was almost like an acting barometer. We were gonna excuse Mr. Stan of the WORST ACTOR OF 2012 award because of how bad the film was. However, Tom Felton was in it...and when you have someone like that in the same piece of shit film making the best with what he was given then, it sort of becomes inexcusable. So, because Cam Gigandet wasn't in any genre films this year...Sebastian Stan is the WORST ACTOR OF 2012.
Oh...come on, Ashley...stop lookin' at us like that! It's a stupid award that doesn't really mean anything. Of course we think that you're talented. It's just that movie you were in kinda sucked...and you didn't really do much to save the thing. Whoa, hey...what happened to your shirt, Ashley?? It's not gonna make us change our minds...well...then, again...
Anyway, in a year of many great films...there were those that sucked major donkey ass. And, while we could probably make a longer list full of such terrible films and just plain bad stuff, in general...Moonshiners ain't gonna watch itself.
So...here are the 5 WORST HORROR FILMS OF 2012...
Fuck you, The Devil Inside! This film managed to piss off millions of horror fans the world over. It's one of those cinematic experiences that is more frustrating than anything else. You pay the goddamn 10 bucks to go see this thing and what you get is an unfinished cop out of a horror film that could have actually been good...had someone actually gave a fuck about giving it a proper ending. It is with complete sincerity when I say that The Devil Inside can go fuck itself.
Independent horror films have a hard enough time staying relevant without having a terrible film coming along and stinking up the whole freakin' Red Box. Behind Your Eyes is one such film that didn't entertain on any level. Hell, it didn't even manage to suck in an inventive manner. It was just your run of the mill poorly made film filled with poor script decisions as well as lame executions. Our head Deviant, bryan, actually got into a little bit of an email fisticuffs with the film's writer/co-star over how bad the film was....until that particular person saw the error of his ways and admitted to the film's suckage. Every once in awhile you will find a gem hidden inside one of those Red Boxes. Behind Your Eyes is not one of those gems. In fact, it's pretty fuckin' far from a gem.
Speaking of films that aren't anywhere near being mistaken for gems...Christian Slater had the misfortune of playing a perverted cop who enjoys whacking his mole to secretly recorded videos of young nubile high school sluts in various stages of undress. Unfortunately, the film sucked pretty hard. I recently had all four of my wisdom teeth pulled from my skull...and I'm here to say that I would do that again before giving Playback another playback.
There's a special reservation of hatred I hold in my heart for films like Chernobyl Diaries. I usually bring my mother out to big advanced screenings of horror films whenever I get an invitation (a privilege I often get due to the awesomeness of Film Deviant). She introduced my young mind to many classic horror films back when I was growing up so, I do my best to return the favor. However, there are times when I take her to truly terrible works of shit like Chernobyl Diaries and I seriously feel like I let her down. I remember sitting in the theater after the credits came up looking over at my mom and seeing her expressionless gaze as if someone just fist-raped the both of us in the darkness of that theater. There are bad films...and then...there is Chernobyl Diaries.
Jesus Christ...what did I ever do to deserve sitting through this thing? The acting is terrible (save for the reliable Tom Felton), the cinematography is spotty at best, the directing is horrendous, the writing is plain bad and the filmmakers responsible for creating this blatant "fuck you" to horror fans everywhere should be sent on a Mad Max-style gulag for 10 years. Hmmmm....I wonder why the state of our beloved genre is where it's at right now. Perhaps it might be because of shitfuck like this that comes out more often than anyone ever wants? *Sigh*...you know, writing this negativity is seriously painful. I've probably taken about 6 minutes from my life spreading this negative energy around at will. But, I just can't help it. It's a film that deserves every last hateful word of this paragraph. To say anything good about it, would be to bold face lie to you, my dear reader. And we are not in the business of lying to you. We believe that you deserve better than The Apparition...which is why we urge you to stay as far away from this piece of poo movie as humanly possible.
So, there it is, folks...another year full of awesomeness and suckass...all at the same time. Fortunately, the good of 2012 far outshines the bad. And hopefully, this will serve as a lesson for bad filmmakers everywhere to put more heart and soul into their work in order to make our Best of 2013 list. Most likely not.
Anyway...time for Shipping Wars! Will this Jarrett guy ever catch a fuckin' break??
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING!
Comments
Post a Comment