Dig through the ditches...and burn through the witches...I slam in the back of my Halloween remake!
I was one of the few who actually sort of enjoyed the first Rob Zombie Halloween remake. And I was on my way to enjoying this Zombie continuation into the Michael Myers world originally created by Mr. John Carpenter. The first 15 minutes or so of this film was solid and showed great promi----you know what? Fuck this. I'm not gonna waste anymore of my time with this bullshit excuse for a film.
To admit that you like Rob Zombie's Halloween films is almost akin to admitting that you're a closet Twilight fan. Almost. However, there are plenty of fans out there that enjoy Zombie's takes on the horror classics that John Carpenter created. I've even seen some staking claim that they prefer the Zombie films to the originals. Don't worry, friends, we don't condone such heresy here. Instead, we're gonna take a look at the films and where they stand within the legacy of Michael Myers.
First off, Zombie is no hack. Although, he tends to polarize his audience with his entries into the horror landscape, Zombie stands as a talented filmmaker who has yet to find his true calling in the genre. While he often settles himself deep in the woods of hillbilly horror, his canvas seems to be much bigger than what all the haters usually give him credit for. I feel like he's just an epic film away from attaining true respect as a filmmaker. However, he does have his shortcomings.
I'm as casual as they come when it comes to enjoying his first Halloween re-imagining. While I freely admit to being sucked into the excitement that was first generated once it was announced that he would be taking on the arduous task of treading onto the familiar territory of Haddonfield's most infamous killer, I felt a little cheated when the dust settled and I was left with my thoughts after watching the film for the first time. I actually still have the napkin that I jotted my initial thoughts on the film down on. Here...let's review:
1. Ok...so, they're doing the origin thing here...huh?
2. Damn...young Mikey's fuckin' mean as hell!
3. Anything for a paycheck...huh, William Forsythe?
4. I wonder if Sheri Moon is cool with Rob showing off her ass every movie.
5. I hate that they took away the fantasy of The Shape.
6. Oooohh....titties!
7. Cool masks!
8. You know...maybe I can get down with McDowell as Loomis.
9. Damn...Mike is huge in this!
10. Mmmm....Scout and Danielle :)
11. Ok, this Devil's Rejects reunion casting is getting silly now.
12. Best Myers mask since the original!
13. Ok...this origin thing isn't sitting too well for me.
14. Oooohh...Danielle Harris titties!
15. Rewind....Oooohh...Danielle Harris titties!
16. So, I guess there's gonna be a part 2.
17. Wow...Laurie Strode's kinda badass in this.
18. Hmmm...Danielle's areolas are nothing like what I pictured.
19. Ok...they're kickin' us out of the theater now.
20. Douchebags :(
So, that pretty much encompasses my true feelings on the initial Zombie remake. As far as the second one goes. I still have my initial thoughts on that one, as well:
"Fuck this movie in the mouth with the strap on from the movie Seven.
Hands down worst film of 2009. Rob Zombie can go fuck himself for this one."
Wow...I didn't realize how much I hated Zombie's Halloween 2 after watching it initially. However, I have tried watching the film again for prosperity and the suckage still holds up....which is a shame because the first tiny bit of the film is really good on a Michael going full ultra-violence kind of level. I've read elsewhere how this film has its many fans who actually quite enjoyed this entry on a philosophical level. I'm here to say....NO. To unmask Myers and turn him into a backwoods serial killer is just plain stupid and pisses all over the mystique of the original film. Had this been called something else altogether and not been a part of the franchise, Zombie might have actually had something here. I almost feel like the studio pushed Zombie for a quick sequel to his 2007 remake, so he just used elements from his proposed idea of his Tyrannosaurus Rex film he had in development stage.
While there's still talk about a Halloween 3 (I actually had the opportunity to speak with Scout Taylor Compton a couple of years ago who told me it was coming out soon) there hasn't been any kind of confirmation of any other installment of Halloween. So, perhaps this is it? Maybe our last memory of Michael is in some cabin somewhere on the outskirts of Haddonfield gettin' himself gunned down like a desperate dog with mommy issues? Or perchance there might very well be another take on the iconic masked murderer. Who knows?
In the meantime...let us alleviate all of this tension by watching a bloopers reel from the Zombie films. Blooper reels always make us laugh!
SEE YOU TOMORROW!
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