I hate Mother’s Day...not the movie, the actual Hallmark holiday, Mother’s day. I hate it.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for doing something thoughtful for your mom but I hate that there’s an official day devoted to it. I don’t understand why I have to give a card to someone for doing their job. People say to me, “Oh but I bet you like Father’s day, now that you’re a dad.”
To which I reply, “No, I don’t like that day either. Look, It’s my job to raise my kids.” That’s what I signed up for the day I deposited my sperm into my wife’s eggs on that hot romantic night in the bathroom at Taco Bell.
“But, it’s a nice way to recognize all the work our parents do.”
“Really? They work their asses off to feed and clothe you and all you give them is one day a year? You stole their youth from them and crushed their dreams and all they get is brunch?”
“Well, I get them a gift, too....and a card”
“Of course you do. A sweet card that has someone else’s words and thoughts written on it to convey how you feel because you’re too incapable of conveying it yourself. It’s because of zombies like you that Hallmark can create and enforce this deception. This whole farce of a holiday was propagated by the greeting card industry to guilt people into paying for sentimental bullshit.”
“Why are you so angry?”
“Because, it’s a societal trap! I don’t need Hallmark to tell me how and when to appreciate someone, let alone my parents! Not to mention, ok...not to mention, that it’s an unfair, unwarranted and insensitive holiday. Think of all the people who have horrible parents, or people who were abandoned by their parents outright! How do you think they feel when these culturally/spiritually/nationally irrelevant days come every year?”
“Yeah, but your parents love you, right?”
“What? Well, yeah of course they do.”
“...And you love your parents.”
“Well, yeah but...”
“So then...I mean...what’s your problem?”
“Y’know what? Just shut up and give my latte. Ok, you stupid coffee-dipshit? Just give me my drink and shut up, ok, just...shut...up.”
Mother’s Day the movie, thankfully, has nothing to do with the Hallmark holiday. Nothing at all, in fact! It’s just a far from clever title for a typical crazy-redneck-family-in-the-woods movie.
Three obnoxious women, friends from college, reunite every year to “les” out in the woods. I forgot their names, but who cares? Anyway, one woman is a gigantic rich bitch, the other is an adult nerd who still lives with the voice of her sick mother (who’s ailment can only be that she sounds like a man impersonating a woman, a rare disease known as Trannyingitis) and the third girl, a human doormat who supports her scumbag-druggie boyfriend, plays the victim throughout the whole film. She’s a loser.
So, for this year’s trip (the year being 1980) the women get together for some hot ’n’ horny camping at Crystal Lake! No lie. Allegedly, this film was shot across the lake while they were filming the little known art house drama, Friday the 13th.
Camping movies were all the rage back in the ‘80’s.
Ok so, two inbred brothers kidnap the girls and bring them to their psycho mother as a gift. Keep in mind it’s not technically Mother’s day, they just wanted to do something nice for her. In spite of what Hallmark says, they don’t need a reason to honor their mom...
...Who, like most moms, enjoys putting her kids through intense MMA training almost as much as she likes to watch them rape and murder the young codependent enabler who would rather stay with her scumbag-druggie boyfriend than be alone. Seriously, this poor idiot never once gets the chance to redeem herself at any point throughout the film. Never once does her character rise above her situation and come out of it as a stronger person. She’s subjected to the worst depravities in the film at the hands of her hillbilly captors and she dies as she lived...a loser.
Pointless? Yes. Poetic? Yes, again.
This is a Troma film, after all, any one expecting character development in this or any other Troma film probably works at some trendy coffee chain and is more concerned with keeping their homogenous bubble intact than GETTING MY COFFEE!!! I mean honestly, I can understand, y’know, back in the day when the economy needed to be stimulated a greeting card was a nice way to help...stamps and all...but now with the internet that hardly seems like a viable argument. Whatever. Fuck Hallmark.
Anyway, the other two girls escape, un-raped, and exact revenge on the mama and her boys, proving that they are strong, independent, 80’s camping women who don’t need no scumbag-druggie living off of them.
Oh, then they’re surprisingly attacked by the mother’s crazy sister, who’s only mentioned in passing. Kind of like the end of Friday the 13th.
The End.
Now, the most interesting moment to me was not the countless implausible scenes such as when one girl is lowered out of the window as a means of escape by her friend, just to come back upstairs straight after to free her friend without even needing to unlock the door...nor was it the useless filler like, the inexplicably long slideshow during the opening credits...not even the beginning of the movie, which is not only the most exciting part of the film but also features my favorite characters; a crusty hippie and his shamefully authentic Jersey girlfriend, circa 1980 (you could smell her cooch from the T.V....ewwww).
No, the most interesting part for me was when the harangued “adult nerd” actually has a Freudian breakthrough when she kills the psycho mother thereby psychologically killing her own mother as a means of freeing herself from her overbearing torment. In a Troma film!!!
Kind of deep coming from the guys who made Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD and Toxic Avenger...I mean, not that deep but...y’know...Troma.
Oddly enough, a remake was made, and just like it’s predecessor it sounds as if it has nothing to do with Mother’s Day the “holiday” and, in an ironic turn of events, sounds as if it is a completely different movie from the movie it’s supposed to be remaking! So it’s a remake of a movie that has nothing to do with the original that had nothing to do with it’s own title. Like what became of the Friday the 13th series.
Hmmmm...next year for Mother’s Day, I’ll be rewriting this review for the remake but then will be making no references to anything I wrote just now. But I’ll still hate Hallmark and their imaginary holidays...
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY, YOU SONS OF BITCHES!!!
5 out of 10 “Thank you for sharing with me. I love you’s.”
Recommendation: Watch this movie if you hate Mother’s day as much as I do...or if you hate your time...or if you’re like Michelle, who requested this review due to being traumatized by the movie at a young age, watch it to face your fears and get closure on your life.
'til next time,
Thomas Drew
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