An idyllic afternoon of playing fetch in the British countryside, between a dog and its mast…er…I mean a boy and his father, is suddenly changed when the stick abruptly explodes, mid-air, into an alien abduction and Daddy is whisked away on an alien spacecraft to Xtro land.
Instead of thinking something is amiss, Mummy assumes that Daddy just took off; in spite of their son Tony’s insistence on Daddy being taken away by space aliens. So the bitch just goes off and hooks up with another guy. Some women just can’t stand to be alone.
Poor Tony, he never gets over it and doesn’t really like Mummy’s new “friend”. But the kid’s got it rough, in addition to seeing his father abducted, he wakes up from terrible nightmares covered in blood. Which really makes you wonder who’s singing his lullabies; John Travolta?
That’s a Carrie joke…anyone? Carrie?
Right, so a few years later another alien crash lands on earth and almost gets hit by a car, where I was reminded: Brits drive on the left side of the road!?! I always seem to forget that until I see a British movie.
This reminder, in turn, reminded me of a time when I was riding my bicycle along the bike trail near my house. I was minding my own business when I hear from behind me, “Are you from England? Hey…you…are you from England?” Before I could respond, I’m flanked by a vicious gang of senior citizens and one of the old harridans continues “…cause your riding on the wrong side of the road.” They continued to pass me all the while giggling and mocking me with their cruel wrinkled stares and elderly judgment. The sight of their liver spots and varicose veins as they rode off into the distance served as a cruel reminder of my inability to ride a bike and send a text at the same time.
But back to the movie…
So after killing the driver and his girlfriend for running over his thorax, the alien has now made its way through the countryside to a small isolated cottage where it mouth rapes the woman inside. Xtro may be the only movie where you can see an alien invasion and a home invasion in the span of 5 minutes.
Anyway, for some reason these aliens are so potent that they can impregnate women through their mouths. It’s like a Sex-Ed documentary made by the guys who wrote Deep Throat. And because they have super sperm the woman becomes pregnant and gives birth moments later…to a full grown adult!!!
Of course it’s Daddy come back from space to reclaim his son, but first he’s going to have to chew through his own umbilical cord…which is not unlike me gnawing on deer jerky. I love deer jerky.
Later, Daddy ingratiates himself back into the family, but Mummy senses he is different and Mummy’s beau is suspicious too…as is Analise, the hot and horny French sex kitten who lives with them…for some reason...not too sure why.
But that’s to be expected, Daddy has changed a bit since his journey to Xtro land; he’s become a radioactive phone-melter, he eats snake eggs, breathes gas, and has developed psychic powers…which he passes down to Tony after he nibbles on his son’s shoulder like he was a calzone with extra cheese. A real Kronos/Zeus metaphor if ever there was one…and there probably wasn’t…only 5 people who read this will get what I’m saying…without checking Wikipedia. I’m just full of bad esoteric jokes today.
Needless to say, Tony likes his new found powers and like most kids from a broken home, starts going down a bad path. He makes a circus in his room and animates his toys; he hangs out with a clown dwarf and has an army of giant GI Joes at his command.
The kid also zerbert-rapes Analise, by blowing some mouth sperm into the French girl’s stomach which turns her into the hive mother for his alien progeny. Alien-baby Mama.
Daddy and Mummy hook up too but he starts to look gross. Mummy’s “friend” shows up to save the family but underestimates Daddy’s ability to impersonate Mariah Carey’s singing voice and reach octaves that will make your brain bleed.
And then they leave…I thought there was a bigger plan but nope…that’s it. They leave.
And Tony, being the little irresponsible shit that he’s always been, leaves his mother to take care of his kids while he goes off gallivanting across the cosmos. Remember Tony, any fool can make a hatchery, but a real man raises his alien kids.
So, yeah, this movie sucked but it was fun and bizarre, and a movie’s job is to entertain, after all...so...I guess it worked(?). There were some really crazy visual stuff and ideas, especially for the time it was made. Harry Bromley Davenport created and directed this and two more in the saga of Xtro, and is allegedly in the process of making a fourth entry into the series. To which I got to give him credit for having such a unique vision and realizing it on screen. I imagine if he had the budget, and better actors, this would’ve been a really cool film.
6 out of 10 touchy-feely, badly-dubbed, old bitties
Recommendation: My friend David, who requested this review, should watch the movie and be inspired to make many paintings. You should watch it if you plan to do the same, or if you want to have a fun drinking game, otherwise check out Thankyousomuch.org to see David’s work and if he ever makes a painting from it.
‘till next time
-Thomas
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