KEEP CALM and WATCH MORE HORROR MOVIES!

Stay home! Don't gather in groups...and don't go outside...you say?? I mean...I do that anyway...so, not a problem!

As we all know by now...there's a new player in town that is going out of its way to be a dick to such things as happiness and normal everyday life. Yes, friends...COVID-19 is that dick. Everybody and their mom was making plans to carpool down to Cinema Wasteland this upcoming weekend and crashing at whomever's hotel room they ended up in...but, thanks to this wacky virus C-blocking just about every known social activity under the sun...Wasteland, and just about everything else in the world...has been cancelled. Such is life in this brand new reality that we're living in. However, now is certainly not the time to wear that frown, friends! I'm here to flip that frown on your goddamn beautiful face upside down! Or...at the very least...make it smirk a little bit. I'd like to offer you some fun things to do with yourself (that doesn't involve peyote or self-mutilation) so it doesn't suck as much while we're all in this unrelenting pandemic death grip!

Catch Up On Your Goddamn Reading, bruh!

Yes, friends...this one's a tricky one. Especially because of every little convenience being readily available to us seemingly everywhere you turn. And if you own one of those Alexa things...then, hell...you don't even need to get out of bed. I mean...why pick up a book when you can just pick up your phone and play Boggle all day long? What?? You don't Boggle???! HEATHEN!!! 

Anyway...while you can most certainly just download books off of the Audible app...and hell, some of 'em are actually pretty great! Twenty bucks will get you a reading of The Exorcist  by William Peter Blatty, himself...and that's twenty bucks well spent, my Deviants. Still...there's nothing quite like picking up a good book and flipping its pages. Check out some of the recent offers like Dario Argento's autobiography...FEAR, in which he accounts some of the more harrowing moments of his career and life. It's certainly a page-turner...that unfortunately doesn't go into the DEMONS  years too much...but, I won't take off any points for that detail. Definitely worth the read!

Speaking of books that are worth the read...Jon Kitley (Kitley's Krypt) and Scott Bradley (Hellbent For Horror) are two of the greatest horror minds that you will ever meet. And while I do count them both as dear friends of mine (tho, you might get a different story if you randomly ask one of them about yours truly haha)...I'm not just whistling Dixie when I tell you that they put out some truly interesting books in the last couple of years. Scott Bradley's Screaming for Pleasure is an almost 300 page manifesto on exploring some of the darkest corners of horror...as well as a self-examination of what makes the genre so personal to some and how it all fits into a society that tends to shun the genre. It's all told with an amazing rich voice that pulls you more into each dark corner. While Jon Kitley's Discover the Horror takes a deep dive into one man's life-long journey throughout the many incarnations of what the genre has looked like throughout the years. Told through the point of view of a devoted horror fan, Jon's voice is a personal one that illustrates his many experiences with horror conventions, his Turkey Day events (worth the price admission just for these stories), meeting so many great people within this amazing horror community...and so much more! Check out both of these books while you are stuck in quarantine madness!

If you need something to help you brush up on your Italian...check out Troy Howarth's So Deadly, So Perverse: 50 Years of Italian Giallo Films series. It's a 3-book deep dive into the genre's most obscure gems as well as a celebration of its more refined cornerstones. Troy is a man who certainly does his homework whenever it comes to his in-depth film commentaries, which he is well renowned for...so it is an understatement when I tell you that these three books are basically all you will ever need to satiate your gialli fix. Volume one takes on the first few decades, while the second volume goes into the next several decades and brings us into the modern neo-gialli...while the third volume takes a look at giallo-adjacent films from around the world. This gorgeous 3-book set, complete with artwork from some of the spiciest films in the genre, is exactly what you need to crank up your fever-induced isolation nightmares!

Horror Spring Cleaning!

Yessireee, Bob! This one doesn't really make too much sense at first glance...but when you come to the realization that we're not really doing much these days then it all falls into place. Especially since it's something that we've all been kinda putting off because of work, life, and other stuff. It's a perfect time to clean out your horror collections! Maybe pull out the t-shirts that have been collecting dust mites in the back of your drawer...in order to make room for crispy new stuff. Sometimes, I'll find shirts that I haven't worn in years and just move 'em into my current rotations. Sometimes I'm all..."what the hell is that My Little Pony shirt doing in my drawer?!" And then, sometimes...I just get lost in all of the crazy t-shirts that I've collected throughout a lifetime of loving horror. Then...I just burn like 6 hours of nostalgic deep thought and never end up getting rid of anything.

Yes...I have a problem.

Still...for those that don't really have any hoarding issues...doing some spring cleaning right now is a great way to dip into some nostalgic thoughts, while also tidying up some clutter that you've been meaning to get to. There's also a chance that you might come across a little stack of unopened Blu-rays that you never checked out. I know I've done that. Still...once this pandemic finally blows over and we all get back to a new normal, clearing some older stuff out gives you a great excuse to get more stuff with that stimulus paycheck!

WATCH MORE HORROR MOVIES, GODDAMNIT!

This one's a no-brainer, kids. The system has fallen apart. Mankind is obsessed with toilet paper now. The death toll is climbing...and it doesn't look like it's getting better any time soon! What can we do?? Well...watch some kickass horror movies that we've been meaning to get to before the fit officially hit the shan...that's what we can do! Because now more than ever...we need to whisk ourselves away into alternate realities, my friends. Unemployment? The stock market plunging? No cure in sight? Meh! VFW  is available for streaming right now on Prime, guys! Also...The Invisible Man  is available for home streaming now for a cool $20! I know that might seem like a lot. Especially for a movie that doesn't look that great to begin with. But when you factor in popcorn, a large ICEE...and a box of Jujubes...not to mention that there's currently not much else going on these days...the fucking Invisible Man  doesn't look so bad now...huh? Besides...what else are you gonna do with that 20 bucks? Buy toilet paper?? I watched 1922  the other night...and followed it up with In the Tall Grass...and then finally...Apostle. All films that I've been wanting to see...but, because of things like work and responsibility...I never got a chance to check them out. Guess what?! No more responsibilities and no more life! BOOM. And you know what? Pretty damn good movies, guys! 

1922  and In the Tall Grass  are both Stephen King joints and both couldn't be anymore different from one another. 1922  is a great study in guilt and paranoia that has the always amazing Thomas Jane in it. It's a solid work of tension directed by Zak Hilditch, who also helmed the 2019 film Rattlesnake  which is also on my list of films that I'm gonna fuck with. In the Tall Grass, on the other hand is directed by the mostly stellar Vincenzo Natali (I won't talk about Haunter)...and is a haunting film that sorta plays out like if Event Horizon  and The Ruins  adopted a child and lost the kid in a tall field somewhere in the middle of no where. Totally nothing like I was expecting and I ended up really digging it.

Apostle...is just fucking good cinema that creeps into your head. All these great films are available RIGHT THE FUCK NOW on Netflix. I can also name-drop other great content on Shudder (Bliss, The Head Hunter, Tigers Are Not Afraid, Mayhem, etc)...on Amazon Prime (Midsommar, Climax, Annihilation, the super underrated Unsane, The Greasy Strangler...as well as some great pay-per-view's like the recent Rabid, the aforementioned VFW...AND...The Invisible Man, for all you high rollers out there)...and yes, even Hulu (Mom and Dad, Beyond the Gates, Overlord, etc). There's soooo much good stuff out there...and now is the perfect time to delve into it all. 

You see?! Not so bad, right?? I mean...yes, we are currently leading the world here in America with the most infected individuals in the universe. But, that shouldn't keep you from checking out the latest in horror. Because, as horror fans...we know what to do. We've seen it all before...and most of all...we aren't afraid of the inevitable. We will get through this, my friends. Together! In the meantime...let's WATCH MORE HORROR MOVIES!

Thanks for reading,

bryan.